chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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