So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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