I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
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