You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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