i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
