im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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