he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
