The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
