Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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