Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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