If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
