Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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