Soap is not a condiment
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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