Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
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It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
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how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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