At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have aggressive nipples.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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