Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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