Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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