That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
