i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
