Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
