Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
