somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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