the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize