I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
