gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
