My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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