Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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