I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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