my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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