what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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