I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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