Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
