I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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