my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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