Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
