If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
