so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
