I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
