somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it hurts more in the daytime
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
