in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
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i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I need moral support for this bender
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
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I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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