I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
