____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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