Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
