At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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