the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
