Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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