Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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