I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
