the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
