Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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