my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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