Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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