Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
