i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
