sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
And then my night got REAL pukey
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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