hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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