In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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