I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
