At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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