I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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