Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
