I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
